You have a choice

 I don’t remember ever not hearing the voices in my head. When I was 10, 11, 12, I would sit up in the middle of the night, in the middle of my mattress with my knees pulled up tightly against my chest, rocking with sobs as I saw the hands coming up over my mattress trying to pull me down, down to the sound of wailing and gnashing of teeth. When I was a teenager those voices changed, telling me I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t worthy, I was unlovable. I was the reason my parents were screaming and fighting all the time. I would never have a boyfriend because I was too fat and angry. I wasn’t smart enough so there was no point in trying to get into college. A couple years after my husband Damon was killed, I found myself driving cross country in an RV with my three small children in the back. One day in the middle of nowhere I was driving across a high steeply curved bridge and I heard a voice in my head tell me to just turn the wheel and go over the edge of that bridge, that it wouldn’t matter anymore, that it wouldn’t hurt anymore. I argued with that voice in my head, “what about my children,” “Doesn’t matter, they’ll be dead too.” “But what if my children survive, what if they just get hurt, what if they become orphans.” That word “orphans” kept my hands on that steering wheel, driving straight across that bridge. A few months later I recognized that something was wrong with me. I felt like I was going crazy. I was sure I had schizophrenia or some other mental health issue and I needed to get help. I went through grief counseling, I even started a prescription of an anti-depressant, something to help me. But I couldn’t stand the way it made me feel, nothing, like a zombie. So, I went back to my trusted coping mechanism of getting lost in a book. I don’t know how I came across the book series, The Great and Terrible. The only thing I knew about the author Chris Stewart was that he was LDS, a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, like me. The book is about the war in heaven, our relationships with our brothers and sisters, with Jehovah and Lucifer. The book continues to our relationships here on earth, those continued relationships and those fallen angels who chose to follow Lucifer and how they are now on earth, here with us, whispering in our ears lies, deceit, manipulations, to get us to choose to do something to make us fall, down like them. Something resonated deep in my soul. I knew it was true and it took me back behind that steering wheel in that RV, driving across the bridge, and I recognized that voice in my head, that insistent, whiny, manipulative voice was not my voice. I did not want to kill myself. I did not want to kill my children. And I was not crazy. I recognized that I had a choice, a choice to listen or a choice to not listen to those voices. I recognized that that choice, that agency, was taking the power back from Satan. My children have grown up. I’ve been able to teach them how to recognize those voices, how to recognize those lies. Those voices haven’t stopped. My 16-year-old daughter struggles with hearing those voices. And I’ve recognized that I am her mother for a reason. I’m here to teach her, and to help you know that you have a choice. And that you can choose to live.

Journal Entries

28 JUNE 2010

Today is Monday following 4 amazing days of PSI Basic. It was such a great experience. I had quite a few breakthroughs.

Since January I have really been focused on healing. Not just from losing Damon, but completely. I have always known that something wasn't quite right with my relationship with my mom but I never understood where it came from or why I held such resentment towards her.

I realized that ever since I was a little girl I have been struggling for love from my mother. I don't remember hugging her or her telling me she loved me. I remember positive things about my dad but not my mom.

There is a lot of negative stuff I remember. I don't want to dwell on it anymore. I don't want to resent her. I don't want to be hurt by her anymore. My emotions are MY emotions. She doesn't control them. I do.

I know she loves me even if she doesn't know how to show me and doesn't know she's hurting me.

The main thing I wanted to work on this weekend is my love for myself. I have recognized that I can't teach my children to love themselves and be positive about life if I don't do it myself. What kind of example would that be??

I visualized myself as a five year old little girl. Twirling, huge smile. Then as a little baby with lots of brown hair. Holding that little baby, I began to love myself again. I love my children unconditionally. I deserve to love myself the same way.

I also realized that with every relationship I sabotage myself. I don't trust myself so I lash out at others so that they can't hurt me first. I still end up hurt and play the victim.

I learned a ton about myself this weekend. I'm excited to keep up the improvements. I am going to PSI 7 in August. I am super excited and nervous!

I think Damon is proud of me, finally. I want to keep it going.


2 AUG 2010

Alma 36:3
And now, O my son Helaman (daughter Ashley), behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.

God is here with me. He is in every one of these people, helping me. He is in me. He wants me to "break thru" as much as I do.


This entry was posted while I was at PSI 7.
I was on the verge of breaking through. It took me another month or so to figure out what I wanted and to ask for it.



I still struggle with my relationship with my family. It's not just my mom.
I love them unconditionally. And I know they love me too.
I'm still learning to let go of expectations. I'm still learning that love is shown and expressed in different ways and to not be offended when it isn't shown how I need it. I'm learning that while I love unconditionally that others have their own expectations that I cannot meet and it is not my place to meet their expectations. I cannot be accountable for what is theirs.

Through all of this I have learned that I am not alone. The adversary has really kicked my butt with lies. I know better. I have felt His presence. I have felt Angels surround me and lift me up. I have felt His love penetrate the darkness and fill my heart with light.

Family comes in many shapes and forms. It is not confined to blood or genealogy.
I love my family. All of them. I am so thankful for their unconditional love. For their shared joys and tears.

I am thankful for Eternal Families and the knowledge that I will be with my Damon again. It doesn't end at death. It doesn't end!!!

If you would like to know more about Eternal Families let me know. I'd love to share!!

Blog vs Book

Yesterday in Relief Society we had a lesson about the symbolism of the picture of the iron rod and the great and spacious building. I've heard this lesson many, many times. But yesterday something else clicked. Something stuck that didn't quite make it all the other times. My notes go something like this:

Mists of darkness = temptations of the devil
Filthy river = being offended/falling away from the Spirit
Large and spacious building = vain imaginations and pride of the world/idols
Iron rod = word of God

Good-Better-BEST
The natural man is an enemy to God.
The more in tune with the Spirit, the more focused we are and the natural man does not influence.

The teacher had half the room put up sticky notes with examples of "temptations of modern day LDS women" while the other half of the room put up their sticky note with an example of "modern day idols".

I put up my sticky note of an example of temptations for modern day LDS which said "I'm too busy!", Busybodies, GOSSIPING.

The Idols is what got to me though.
Some of the examples were: TV, Netflix, TV, TV, TV,.... but then....procrastination.

Ouch. Yep. I think that's mine.
Some bells went off and then I went home and took a nap. Ugh.

So here I am today giving this whole book thing another thought.
I actually sat down to write it last week and I literally fell into a deep depression. It was horrible. I can't imagine sitting down to write out my story without all of those emotions coming back up. Which makes me think I haven't actually healed. I've only put a band-aid or even worse I've just shoved it down and ignored it all. Ouch.

Here I am, supposed to be writing a book about how I've overcome so many trials and I'm a better person for them and I'm actually happy!!! But it's more than that.

I keep being reminded that my story, my mess, isn't actually the story I'm supposed to be telling. My story is one of salvation, forgiveness, and LOVE. My story is one of finding that ultimate source of LOVE and learning to live again through Him.

I've been contemplating writing this book but then the idea comes to me that it's more than just a book. It can be more than a book anyways. It can be a movement of looking beyond the grief, the pain and sorrow, the sins and temptations, to who got us through and keeps helping us through every day. He is the source of that relief. He is the One who never left our sides. He is the One who carried me when I couldn't carry myself or my children.

The One I speak of is my Savior Jesus Christ. My story is about Him.

I know I'm not alone in that I'm not the only one who has a story to tell about Him.
I know that my story is not unique.
So I'd like to hear your story too.

The benefit of doing a blog verses a book is that a blog can be interactive! A blog can change and develop and include so much more than just a written word. And maybe one day I'll turn this blog into a book.

So no more procrastinating. No more excuses.

We all see how the world is out there. We all notice the lack of GOOD, POSITIVE stories. So let's change that. Let's show each other and the world that despite the hard times, despite the grief and loss, despite the anger and frustration there is One who can lift us up and deliver us from all of that junk!