Why do I need to write a memoir?

My thought process on my book has evolved over the years. It went from being about Damon, then my loss of Damon, then our love story. I felt called to write about him so I wouldn't forget, so my children would know him, so others would know him and somehow also feel his loss. I didn't want him to be a stagnant photograph, stuck in time. I wanted to feel his presence and picture him there next to me as I wrote it and read it again over the years. I got stuck writing that story because it hurt so much. I would sit down to write and become overwhelmed by my sorrow, guilt, and grief. The book sat unfinished, untouched, unread.

I realized that my story continued. I was still living, making memories, learning important lessons.

My story included Damon, my loss of Damon, our love story, but also learning how to be on my own, learning to love again, and new beginnings. I couldn't write about Damon without writing about how he lead me to Chris. I couldn't write about Chris without including Damon, learning to love another while still holding onto his memory. I don't feel as though Chris and I had a beginning, we just kind of jumped in where we left off. We were always in each other's existence, always meant to be together. It just took a lot of pain to get us back to each other. Kind of like Damon. Something was there pulling us towards each other, keeping us in the back of each other's minds as we continued living, until we couldn't resist the pull any longer. I knew we were supposed to be together, just like he knew it, even though it took us so long to finally get our act together, get over our fears, and be together. 

As Chris and I continued our lives together, I realized there was more to my story involving Chris's past and our present, Chris's ex-wife, our blended family, and homeschooling. I recognized that having a blended family was much harder than losing Damon. The lack of control when it comes to someone interfering with my family, lying and manipulating, and hurting my husband. It was horrible. I was consumed by hatred for her. The hatred ate me from the inside and almost destroyed my family. At the same time I started to resent my new marriage and blamed Damon. I blamed him for leaving me, again. The grief cycle reared it's ugly head forcing me to make some changes, throwing my family off kilter, not that we had found a kilter yet. Along the way. we began homeschooling which took us down a rabbit hole of learning. It was amazing! I can't tell my story without including the journey of homeschooling. 

My story became our story. Damon, Chris, and me.

While my story has evolved my fears have had the opportunity to grow. I've fought telling my story for fear of being judged, fear of being recognized or remembered from when I wasn't at my best, fear of being called out for remembering differently than someone else, fear of hurting someone's feelings, fear of being required to do more, be more, and experience more hurt and loss. 

My purpose has evolved from needing to tell my story so Damon is remembered, to needing to remind people that we are not alone, we are loved by our Savior, and we can always count on Him to get us through our trials. My purpose is to share what I have experienced, because others go through it too, and maybe they need the reminder I could have used along the way. 

I Won't Give Up

28 NOV 2006

Damon my love,

I love you! I miss you. I'm worried about you. I'm scared for you. You finally called yesterday morning after having a COMM blackout for a few days. You're okay, but someone else isn't. You saw some kind of action on your way to Camp War Horse, but of course you aren't allowed to elaborate. I hope you drive like hell and don't look back. I can't believe you've already seen action. So much for this deployment being a piece of cake and you being safe and sound. Why couldn't you have a lousy desk job? Why do you have to be the hero? I would love you no matter what you did, but I know that if you didn't do what you're doing or what you want to do you wouldn't be who I love. You're such a "good guy." Funny that that is one of the reasons I love you so much. I'm glad that whatever I was going through when we first dated was just a phase! Funny also that when you were talking to my sister about getting a tattoo that I got mad, because that's not who you are.

I love you Damon just the way you are. I will love you when you get back, no matter how you've changed. You can't deny that you will have changed because a year will have gone by. You know how much can happen in a year. I know that I will change in the next year. And when you get back things will change again. Change isn't a bad thing and you changing while you're over there isn't a bad thing. It's a part of life, a part of living, a part of who you will become. Who WE will become.

I'm looking at a goofy picture of you. I miss you so much. I miss your smile, your silliness. I miss your hands and your cute butt and holding your face as I kiss you. I miss waking up at the butt-crack of dawn and watching you get ready for work. I miss going for long drives with you, holding your hand, and dreaming about the future. I miss taking care of you, cleaning up after you, nagging you. :)

Actually I don't miss that. There's a lot that I would like to change when you get back. First of all is "us" time. We will have more of that. I promise. I want to stop nagging you so much. I'm not your mother and I need to stop acting like I am. It's not right for me to act that way. I need to communicate more and better instead of getting frustrated and taking it out on you. You don't deserve to come home from crappy work to listen to me get after you for one thing or another. I realize that you will need your down time. That you will need to socialize with the guys outside of work. But I need you to realize some things too. We are married. We are partners. We are best friends. And I need your help. We have two kids now. I'm at home with them all day. I will need some down time too. And they will need their daddy for more than just a meal and a bed time song. I know my responsibilities as a housewife and stay at home mom, but sometimes things get a little overwhelming - as you already know.

I know how lucky I am to have you. I know how good I had it when you were home. But I know things could have been better and we can make them better when you come home - by working as a team. We need to be a couple first and foremost. We need to say Please and Thank You to each other and give each other compliments. We can't forget that we like each other, that we are in love with each other or that we actually want to be together. I think what we have is special - mainly because I know we will never end up like our parents or our sisters.

When you come home it will be like we are starting out fresh. We will (should!) be debt free. We will have a new home. Hopefully your work schedule won't be so nasty. We will be in a "honeymoon" phase again. We can get into a new groove of things at home - one that we will both be happy with. I can't wait for you to get home.

I love you Damon.



I reread my journal entries from almost 10 years ago and I can't believe how things have turned out. I like this entry because it reminds me that while Damon and I weren't perfect we were always striving to be better. 

We had so many dreams and plans for our future. The one-sided entry doesn't come close to showing our love for each other. We respected each other. We relied on each other. We had so much fun together. 

It took a lot of time to grieve for our lost dreams. As the months then years went by I went through cycles of grieving again. When I had Keagen. When I realized how much I love Chris. When Kelsie was baptized. When Chris and I passed mine and Damon's anniversary. When I realized I needed new dreams. When I recognized that I could no longer picture Damon here in my new life.

The grief cycle is nasty and never ending. 

I had to realize that that cycle comes back around and around. It doesn't end, and I wouldn't want it to. The fresh emotions after being triggered are like memories that I would never want to forget. I'm sure this isn't completely healthy, but I want to hold onto those emotions. I want to remember how I felt when I got that phone call. I want to remember how I felt when I watched him walk away. I want to remember how I felt when I kissed his remains goodbye. 

My dreams are different now. But Damon is still a part of them. I know that I will be with him again and that I need to live in a way that will ensure that. I need to raise my children to remember him.

Chris and I have been married for almost six years now. We have our own dreams, our own marriage, and our own problems, but just like me and Damon, Chris and I are always trying to make it better. We know better. We have both been through the wringer and have made it this far together. We won't give up. Because WE are worth it.