Why do I need to write a memoir?

My thought process on my book has evolved over the years. It went from being about Damon, then my loss of Damon, then our love story. I felt called to write about him so I wouldn't forget, so my children would know him, so others would know him and somehow also feel his loss. I didn't want him to be a stagnant photograph, stuck in time. I wanted to feel his presence and picture him there next to me as I wrote it and read it again over the years. I got stuck writing that story because it hurt so much. I would sit down to write and become overwhelmed by my sorrow, guilt, and grief. The book sat unfinished, untouched, unread.

I realized that my story continued. I was still living, making memories, learning important lessons.

My story included Damon, my loss of Damon, our love story, but also learning how to be on my own, learning to love again, and new beginnings. I couldn't write about Damon without writing about how he lead me to Chris. I couldn't write about Chris without including Damon, learning to love another while still holding onto his memory. I don't feel as though Chris and I had a beginning, we just kind of jumped in where we left off. We were always in each other's existence, always meant to be together. It just took a lot of pain to get us back to each other. Kind of like Damon. Something was there pulling us towards each other, keeping us in the back of each other's minds as we continued living, until we couldn't resist the pull any longer. I knew we were supposed to be together, just like he knew it, even though it took us so long to finally get our act together, get over our fears, and be together. 

As Chris and I continued our lives together, I realized there was more to my story involving Chris's past and our present, Chris's ex-wife, our blended family, and homeschooling. I recognized that having a blended family was much harder than losing Damon. The lack of control when it comes to someone interfering with my family, lying and manipulating, and hurting my husband. It was horrible. I was consumed by hatred for her. The hatred ate me from the inside and almost destroyed my family. At the same time I started to resent my new marriage and blamed Damon. I blamed him for leaving me, again. The grief cycle reared it's ugly head forcing me to make some changes, throwing my family off kilter, not that we had found a kilter yet. Along the way. we began homeschooling which took us down a rabbit hole of learning. It was amazing! I can't tell my story without including the journey of homeschooling. 

My story became our story. Damon, Chris, and me.

While my story has evolved my fears have had the opportunity to grow. I've fought telling my story for fear of being judged, fear of being recognized or remembered from when I wasn't at my best, fear of being called out for remembering differently than someone else, fear of hurting someone's feelings, fear of being required to do more, be more, and experience more hurt and loss. 

My purpose has evolved from needing to tell my story so Damon is remembered, to needing to remind people that we are not alone, we are loved by our Savior, and we can always count on Him to get us through our trials. My purpose is to share what I have experienced, because others go through it too, and maybe they need the reminder I could have used along the way.