Journal Entries

28 JUNE 2010

Today is Monday following 4 amazing days of PSI Basic. It was such a great experience. I had quite a few breakthroughs.

Since January I have really been focused on healing. Not just from losing Damon, but completely. I have always known that something wasn't quite right with my relationship with my mom but I never understood where it came from or why I held such resentment towards her.

I realized that ever since I was a little girl I have been struggling for love from my mother. I don't remember hugging her or her telling me she loved me. I remember positive things about my dad but not my mom.

There is a lot of negative stuff I remember. I don't want to dwell on it anymore. I don't want to resent her. I don't want to be hurt by her anymore. My emotions are MY emotions. She doesn't control them. I do.

I know she loves me even if she doesn't know how to show me and doesn't know she's hurting me.

The main thing I wanted to work on this weekend is my love for myself. I have recognized that I can't teach my children to love themselves and be positive about life if I don't do it myself. What kind of example would that be??

I visualized myself as a five year old little girl. Twirling, huge smile. Then as a little baby with lots of brown hair. Holding that little baby, I began to love myself again. I love my children unconditionally. I deserve to love myself the same way.

I also realized that with every relationship I sabotage myself. I don't trust myself so I lash out at others so that they can't hurt me first. I still end up hurt and play the victim.

I learned a ton about myself this weekend. I'm excited to keep up the improvements. I am going to PSI 7 in August. I am super excited and nervous!

I think Damon is proud of me, finally. I want to keep it going.


2 AUG 2010

Alma 36:3
And now, O my son Helaman (daughter Ashley), behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.

God is here with me. He is in every one of these people, helping me. He is in me. He wants me to "break thru" as much as I do.


This entry was posted while I was at PSI 7.
I was on the verge of breaking through. It took me another month or so to figure out what I wanted and to ask for it.



I still struggle with my relationship with my family. It's not just my mom.
I love them unconditionally. And I know they love me too.
I'm still learning to let go of expectations. I'm still learning that love is shown and expressed in different ways and to not be offended when it isn't shown how I need it. I'm learning that while I love unconditionally that others have their own expectations that I cannot meet and it is not my place to meet their expectations. I cannot be accountable for what is theirs.

Through all of this I have learned that I am not alone. The adversary has really kicked my butt with lies. I know better. I have felt His presence. I have felt Angels surround me and lift me up. I have felt His love penetrate the darkness and fill my heart with light.

Family comes in many shapes and forms. It is not confined to blood or genealogy.
I love my family. All of them. I am so thankful for their unconditional love. For their shared joys and tears.

I am thankful for Eternal Families and the knowledge that I will be with my Damon again. It doesn't end at death. It doesn't end!!!

If you would like to know more about Eternal Families let me know. I'd love to share!!