Veteran's Day

My birthday is the 40th anniversary of the "Day Which Will Live in Infamy." Growing up sharing that day and knowing what it meant, what caused it, and what it caused was a unique experience. My day was shared with memories of pain, suffering, fear, and anger. It was also filled with pride and honor for those who served in the military, who survived and those who did not.

When I was a freshman in high school my family visited Hawaii. I was there standing on a platform looking over into the ocean depths at the wreckage below. The tomb of so many sailors who never saw it coming. The emotions come back to me as I remember looking not too far below the surface of the ocean. I could almost touch it. It was haunting. I had heard the stories, watched news footage and movies, and even met survivors, but this was different. It made it real somehow. It made the loss so much more significant and disturbing. 

While I wasn't a military brat I grew up with a strong influence of the military in my family. My dad served in the Navy. He, along with one of his four brothers chose to serve in the military. He got out just 11 days after I was born. My dad and his brothers were the military brats. Their father was a Navy Chaplain. Imagine that! The son of a Lutheran minister turned Navy Chaplain. I can't imagine. I love the stories though. Some are great and some are not. 

After my dad got out of the military he had a job as a welding engineer. Our family moved across the country as he worked at various power plants. We lived in Pennsylvania, Michigan, New Jersey, and Ohio before we moved back to California. After a few more moves and the death of my maternal grandpa we settled down in La Mesa, California. 

The influence of the military continued. My dad taught me how to clean. He taught me how to make my bed. He taught me how to respect authority. He taught me the sailor's language! He taught me and my siblings songs and rhymes that I have now passed on to my children. 

My brother decided to join the Army shortly after he graduated high school. He became an intelligence analyst. While it may sound like an oxymoron my brother was great at what he did. He is brilliant and enjoyed his job. He served 16 months in Iraq after being stationed in Alaska.  

My husband Damon also chose to serve in the Army. Damon did not grow up with the influence of the military. He grew up with other examples that led him to believe in supporting his family, working hard to earn his place in the world, in serving those that needed him, in being an example of love, sacrifice, and service. 

Damon joined the military just three months after we married. We shared the desire to travel and experience what the world had to offer. Damon was a natural leader but more than that he was a comforter. He supported his friends and family and those he worked with. He was willing to stick his neck out to stand up for others. He worked hard knowing the sacrifices he made would be worth it and would pay off. He did not plan on staying in the military though. He knew that his family was more important but he was willing to serve in order to provide for the long run. Damon's ultimate goal was to become an elected Sheriff. He always strived to serve those around him. He couldn't be who he was without serving. 

I share my story of the military's influence on my life because I know how it is to wonder what it could be like. My wonder is different though. How do people not feel the call to serve? How do people not respect the flag? How do people not understand or appreciate the service men and women and the sacrifices they make? How are American's afraid of the military? Why do American's want to pay the military less and less and take away their means of survival while increasing the minimum wage? Why are there homeless veteran's dying on the streets while the President invites refugees from other countries? Why are veteran's committing suicide and not receiving the mental and health care they need after serving and sacrificing so much? These are the questions I have because I truly don't understand. 

Men and women that are willing to sacrifice their own lives, time with their families and friends, and so much more are honored and remembered on this day, November 11th. But I remember them everyday. And I ask you to do the same.

I Won't Give Up

28 NOV 2006

Damon my love,

I love you! I miss you. I'm worried about you. I'm scared for you. You finally called yesterday morning after having a COMM blackout for a few days. You're okay, but someone else isn't. You saw some kind of action on your way to Camp War Horse, but of course you aren't allowed to elaborate. I hope you drive like hell and don't look back. I can't believe you've already seen action. So much for this deployment being a piece of cake and you being safe and sound. Why couldn't you have a lousy desk job? Why do you have to be the hero? I would love you no matter what you did, but I know that if you didn't do what you're doing or what you want to do you wouldn't be who I love. You're such a "good guy." Funny that that is one of the reasons I love you so much. I'm glad that whatever I was going through when we first dated was just a phase! Funny also that when you were talking to my sister about getting a tattoo that I got mad, because that's not who you are.

I love you Damon just the way you are. I will love you when you get back, no matter how you've changed. You can't deny that you will have changed because a year will have gone by. You know how much can happen in a year. I know that I will change in the next year. And when you get back things will change again. Change isn't a bad thing and you changing while you're over there isn't a bad thing. It's a part of life, a part of living, a part of who you will become. Who WE will become.

I'm looking at a goofy picture of you. I miss you so much. I miss your smile, your silliness. I miss your hands and your cute butt and holding your face as I kiss you. I miss waking up at the butt-crack of dawn and watching you get ready for work. I miss going for long drives with you, holding your hand, and dreaming about the future. I miss taking care of you, cleaning up after you, nagging you. :)

Actually I don't miss that. There's a lot that I would like to change when you get back. First of all is "us" time. We will have more of that. I promise. I want to stop nagging you so much. I'm not your mother and I need to stop acting like I am. It's not right for me to act that way. I need to communicate more and better instead of getting frustrated and taking it out on you. You don't deserve to come home from crappy work to listen to me get after you for one thing or another. I realize that you will need your down time. That you will need to socialize with the guys outside of work. But I need you to realize some things too. We are married. We are partners. We are best friends. And I need your help. We have two kids now. I'm at home with them all day. I will need some down time too. And they will need their daddy for more than just a meal and a bed time song. I know my responsibilities as a housewife and stay at home mom, but sometimes things get a little overwhelming - as you already know.

I know how lucky I am to have you. I know how good I had it when you were home. But I know things could have been better and we can make them better when you come home - by working as a team. We need to be a couple first and foremost. We need to say Please and Thank You to each other and give each other compliments. We can't forget that we like each other, that we are in love with each other or that we actually want to be together. I think what we have is special - mainly because I know we will never end up like our parents or our sisters.

When you come home it will be like we are starting out fresh. We will (should!) be debt free. We will have a new home. Hopefully your work schedule won't be so nasty. We will be in a "honeymoon" phase again. We can get into a new groove of things at home - one that we will both be happy with. I can't wait for you to get home.

I love you Damon.



I reread my journal entries from almost 10 years ago and I can't believe how things have turned out. I like this entry because it reminds me that while Damon and I weren't perfect we were always striving to be better. 

We had so many dreams and plans for our future. The one-sided entry doesn't come close to showing our love for each other. We respected each other. We relied on each other. We had so much fun together. 

It took a lot of time to grieve for our lost dreams. As the months then years went by I went through cycles of grieving again. When I had Keagen. When I realized how much I love Chris. When Kelsie was baptized. When Chris and I passed mine and Damon's anniversary. When I realized I needed new dreams. When I recognized that I could no longer picture Damon here in my new life.

The grief cycle is nasty and never ending. 

I had to realize that that cycle comes back around and around. It doesn't end, and I wouldn't want it to. The fresh emotions after being triggered are like memories that I would never want to forget. I'm sure this isn't completely healthy, but I want to hold onto those emotions. I want to remember how I felt when I got that phone call. I want to remember how I felt when I watched him walk away. I want to remember how I felt when I kissed his remains goodbye. 

My dreams are different now. But Damon is still a part of them. I know that I will be with him again and that I need to live in a way that will ensure that. I need to raise my children to remember him.

Chris and I have been married for almost six years now. We have our own dreams, our own marriage, and our own problems, but just like me and Damon, Chris and I are always trying to make it better. We know better. We have both been through the wringer and have made it this far together. We won't give up. Because WE are worth it.